


Things Fall Apart

by to_love_a_lightwood



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Panic Attacks, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 14:03:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13249755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/to_love_a_lightwood/pseuds/to_love_a_lightwood
Summary: Alec Lightwood had it all: dependable friends, an incredible boyfriend, and a spot on his school's varsity baseball team. He also has parents that fight every night, an abusive arrangement with his calculus teacher, Miss Camille Belcourt, that's eating him alive, and a bottle of sleeping pills that he uses daily.





	Things Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: This story deals with a lot of potential triggers, including rape/non-con and a suicide attempt. Please heed the tags. There are some run on sentences, which I used to attempt to convey Alec's confused thoughts. I also wrote this with other characters at first and had to adjust some things to fit the story. For example, Izzy is older than Alec and some characters are a bit OOC. Unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

     Alec had no reason to talk.  
     He had no reason to be writing in the stupid black journal his therapist had given him. He had no reason to be telling Ragnor Fell, world-class psychologist, any of this, just like Ragnor had no reason to listen. Maybe he was bored and looking for something to read. Maybe he heard about Alec and decided to make him write about it, thinking he'd be able to help him. Alec knows he can't. He's gone to tons of therapists and support groups and none of it works. The only reason he was even writing in his stupid journal was.... he didn't know. Hope? Or maybe despair? All he knew was, Ragnor was probably wasting his time.  
     Unless, of course, he just wanted the story. Maybe he was one of those nosy assholes who just wanted to know all the dirty details, but it's okay. Alec can't judge anyone, not after what he's been through. Maybe Ragnor genuinely cared about him. Not that Alec would believe him if he told him he did. The last person to tell him that was... Alec sighed. Maybe that would be a good place to start.  
     He closed his eyes, thinking back to last year. He was seventeen, and it was the first day of his junior year. He was a great kid. He played baseball for his school's team, the Idris High Angels. He was a great student, getting A's and B's in all of his classes. He was dating the most stunning guy in his grade, Magnus. He was brilliant and loved fashion and was one of the nicest people Alec had ever met. They weren't extremely popular, but they had a lot of friends. Alec had his own car, too. It was a rusting old Ford pickup truck that used to belong to his sister, Izzy, before she went away for college. Alec couldn't complain, though. As a matter of fact, the only thing he could complain about back then was a cancelled date or a hard baseball practice. Now, it's so much worse.  
      Alec was getting ahead of himself. Anyways, it was the first day of his junior year, and it had started normal. He met up with his friends and Magnus, walked him to class, then went off to find first period English with Mr. Carstairs. At the end of English, he went to his next class, then another after that. Then came math.  
     Miss Camille Belcourt was the most beautiful teacher Alec had ever seen. Scratch that, she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, and he wasn't even attracted to them. Long blonde hair, warm brown eyes, a tiny waist. She was skinny and curvy and just absolutely gorgeous.  Every guy who walked into the room immediately stared at her. It was as if she had her own gravitational pull. It was nearly impossible to tear your eyes from her. Alec felt a little uncomfortable because of all of his classmates ogling the new teacher, but this woman was younger than twenty five and hot. He understood what they must be thinking.  
     Alec sat near the front, and his best friend since the fourth grade Jace Wayland sat right next to him. He was tall, with blonde hair and sparkling eyes that the ladies loved. He was captain of the baseball team as a junior, but he sure deserved it. He worked hard at school and sports more than anything else. Alec saw his eyes widen at the sight of their teacher, and Jace grinned mischievously at him before plopping down. "Dude, is she our teacher?" He asked in disbelief. "I got dibs!"  
     Alec laughed. "You may have to fight every other guy in this building for that. Besides, you have Clary."  
     Jace's eyes grew a little warmer at the mention of his girlfriend, Clary. She was smart and stubborn and pretty, just like Jace. She had flaming orange hair and fierce eyes. She was terrified of mice, but would seriously injure anyone who teased her about it. Her and Jace had only been dating for about a month, but they were totally in love.  
     The bell rang, and the teacher began to speak. "Hi! My name is Miss Camille Belcourt, and I will be your calculus teacher!" She had a pretty voice, and Alec could practically feel everyone hanging onto every word she said. She smiled directly at Alec. "Now, we won't be doing anything too hard today, but I do have a riddle for you to solve. If you can solve it, then you can have an A on the first test. You have the rest of the period. Go!"  
     Alec watched as she wrote the riddle on the board, but only a few kids actually did it. He talked to Jace the whole period, because they'd probably get an A on the first test anyways. They mainly talked about baseball and their summers and how Alec's parents are fighting and Jace's dad is still trying to find a stable job. Isabelle was still in Colorado for college and Jace's mom is still working at a shabby diner downtown. Since they saw each other every day for practice, not much had changed. When the bell rang, they headed to lunch with Magnus and Clary. Life was normal.

     After baseball practice that day, Alec went home and showered, then found a way to entertain himself. He didn't feel like watching TV, or doing much of anything. He texted Magnus, so they talked for a little while. Eventually he came over and they started talking about school while Alec made them some gourmet Spaghettios.  
     "So," Magnus started as Alec washed the dishes, "what do you think about the new calc teacher?"  
     "Miss Belcourt?" Alec asked. "She's nice, but she's young. How long do you think she went to college for?"  
     "I was wondering the same thing," Magnus said. Alec heard his chair scrape against the floor and heard him walk towards him. Magnus slid his arms around his boyfriend and leaned his head on his back as Alec finished drying his hands. "I thought you had to go to college for a long time to become a teacher, much less an honors calc teacher."  
     Alec turned around and put his arms around Magnus, wondering. "Yeah. I wonder how long?"  
     "We could look it up," Magnus suggested. "There's a computer in your room, right?"  
     "Yeah," Alec realized. "Let's go."  
     Magnus dragged him upstairs and shut the door behind them. Alec sat in the computer chair, but then Magnus climbed onto his lap and started kissing him. Kind of a lot.  
     Learning about a calculus teacher's education clearly was not Magnus's intention. Needless to say, they never looked it up.

     Okay, so maybe the first calc test was a little harder than predicted. When she handed back the papers, Alec found a large red C marking the top. He groaned. His mother would not be happy. He'd have to work to get this back to a B. He glanced at Jace, who had gotten a low B. Jace shared a sympathetic grin, but Alec grinned at him enthusiastically. Even if his grade wasn't the best, Jace's was good, and Alec was proud of him.  
     Alec studied harder the second unit, and managed to get a low A on the second test. However, he got a D on the third one. Then another C. Then another D. He was really starting to get nervous. Why couldn't he pass these tests? Maybe it was too hard. Maybe it was because Miss Belcourt kept distracting him, smiling and winking at him when no one was looking. He didn't know what to do. He didn't have time between school, Magnus, Jace and baseball to study more. Alec needed to talk to Miss Belcourt.  
     The bell rang, and Alec told Jace to go to lunch without him. Jace would tell the girls he'd be late. After everyone was gone, Miss Belcourt smiled at him, seeming a little confused. "Hey, Alec. Anything I can do for you?"  
     Alec took a deep breath as he sat on his desk, which was right across from hers. "Yeah. I don't know why I'm doing so bad in here. Do you think you can help?"  
     She stood up and walked around to the other side of her desk. She sat on the edge to face him. "Sure. I can try. What exactly are you not understanding?"  
     Alec tried to remember the part of the test that he had done the worst on. "Uh, could you tell me how to do number five?"  
     She smiled and touched his knee. "Sure. Watch." She wrote the problem on the board, then proceeded to show him how to solve it. Alec understood a little better, but not much. He asked her about another one that had been bothering him. She showed him the problem, and it helped Alec figure out what he'd done wrong on the test. He felt better about at least something. She sat across from him again, and placed her hand on his knee again. "I'm glad I could help you, Alec. Please let me know if you need any more help."  
     Alec turned to grab his bag, but she slid her hand higher on the inside of his thigh. He glanced at her, a little uncomfortable. "I will. Thanks for the help." He left the room and headed to lunch as she sat at her desk. He was a little creeped out, but he figured she was just being nice. Maybe she hadn't realized what she'd done. Alec certainly didn't want to call her out on it and embarrass her.  
     He sat down next to Magnus and slid his arm around him, kissing his cheek. Magnus smiled and leaned into him a little. "How'd the tutoring go?" He asked.  
     "It went great," Alec answered, and dug into his lunch. Life was normal.

     Alec's mom, Maryse, came home early that day. She seemed to be in a good mood, and she made dinner for the three Lightwoods while she told Alec about her day. She worked in an office, so it wasn't too exciting, but Alec politely listened anyway and asked questions when appropriate.  
     He wasn't having too bad of a time when Robert, his dad, came home. Maryse called out to him and told him dinner would be ready in five minutes, and he came in and sat down at the table Alec was setting. The three of them rarely ate together, between their jobs and Alec's life.  
     Alec's dad talked about work a little and his mom retold her day. Robert asked him about school. "It's okay," Alec said. "Calc is harder than I thought it'd be."  
     "Well, just make sure to keep your grades up," Maryse reminded.  
     "He'll be fine, he's a smart kid."  
     "I'm just making sure," Maryse said mildly. "I don't want him to make any mistakes he'll regret later."  
     "He won't," Robert argued. "He doesn't need you hovering over him all the time. It's bad for his health."  
     "I'm not hovering, I'm just-"  
     "You most definitely are hovering!"  
     "Let me speak-"  
     "Let him breathe-"  
     "Maybe if you weren't such a-"  
     Alec brought his plate over to the sink. He didn't want to be around for the explosion.  
     "What are you saying?"  
     "Oh I think you-"  
     Alec tried to duck out of the kitchen and get to his room safely. The screaming started once he was inside. He could hear his dad calling his mother things Alec shouldn't repeat and her sobbing and telling Robert she hates him. She's a whore, he's a dick. Same old.

     In calculus, they took another test, which was extremely difficult. What made it even more difficult was the fact that Alec couldn't stop glancing at Jace. He was grinning like an idiot but wouldn't tell him what was up until the end of class. The minutes crawled by, until finally the bell rang. Jace followed him into the hallway. Alec turned around and cornered him. "All right, what's up?"  
     He wasn't the kind to play games, and he said it automatically, grinning ear to ear. "I had sex with Clary."  
     Alec stared at him. "What?"  
     He blushed a little, which was so out of character for Jace that Alec nearly pinched himself to see if it was real. "I took her on a date, and after we went to her house and she just started getting really antsy. I asked her what was up and she said she'd been thinking a lot and she wanted to...you know. So we did."  
     Alec was shocked. He knew how much Clary meant to Jace, and he was a little surprised at how fast their relationship seemed to be progressing. "Dude, congratulations! How was it?"  
     Jace grinned as they started walking towards the cafeteria. "It started out iffy but it wasn't so bad."  
     Alec raised an eyebrow. "You're telling me that sex 'wasn't so bad'? Don't tell me you're getting an ego too?"  
    Jace grinned. "Okay, it was great. But don't talk about it anymore. I don't want Clary to think I'm blabbing." Alec knew he was, but he decided to let Jace have his moment. They went to lunch and acted normal, and Clary blushed when Jace sat down next to her and kissed her hair. She looked really happy, and so did Jace. Alec was happy for them.

     Alec ran his hand through Magnus's hair as he slept. They had been watching a reality show, the kind Alec wasn't too fond of but Magnus loved. He had fallen asleep with his head on his lap around twenty minutes ago, and now the credits were rolling and Alec had to go home. He grabbed the remote and turned off the TV before gently shaking Magnus awake. He stretched and sat up, but Alec didn't move. His legs had fallen asleep ten minutes ago and now they were tingling painfully as they woke up.  
     "Hey," Magnus yawned. "Are you leaving?"  
     Alec tried to rub some feeling back into his legs. "Yeah. It's getting late. Your dad will probably want me gone soon."  
     Magnus groaned. "Yeah. Sorry. You know how he gets." He was right. His angry dad was not an experience Alec liked to think about.  
     Alec tried to stand on his still partially numb legs. It worked out. "Yeah. I'm gonna get going. See you tomorrow." His pecked Magnus on the lips.  
     Magnus smiled. "See you tomorrow. I love you."  
     "I love you too." Alec loved him so much it hurt sometimes. Like when he laughed, or smiled, or said his name or even looked at him... Okay, maybe all the time. Alec grabbed his keys and left the house, driving home.  
     It was a short drive to his house, and Alec pulled in his driveway five minutes after leaving Magnus's. He got out to unlock the house when he heard the yelling. Alec couldn't hear what they were saying, but he knew his parents were screaming at each other and that if he walked in there, they would only turn on him. His chest felt hollow. Alec got back into his truck and drove to Jace's for the night.

     Alec was doing a little better in calculus, but he still needed to do a lot better if he wanted a good grade for the quarter. So, he stayed after with Miss Belcourt again.  
     He had brushed her touching his knee off as friendliness. She had begun to do it more too, laying a hand on his shoulder during class, and sometimes tousling his hair. She did it to others, too, but mostly Alec.  
     As she leaned over his desk to talk him through the problems, she brushed her hand against the inside of his thigh again. He barely noticed because she had been doing it so much.  
     "What about three?" Alec asked. "I didn't understand the graphing part of it."  
     She rested her hand on his thigh again, a little higher. "Well, you remember how to graph sine and cosine, right?" She asked. Alec nodded. "This is sort of like that." As she went on explaining, her hand slid a little higher until it was at the top of his thigh. He jumped a little when he realized how high her hand was.  
     "Um... Miss Belcourt..." Alec trailed off, and he could feel himself turning a little red.  
     She glanced at him, concerned. "Is something wrong? Do you not understand?"  
     "No, I think I understand the problem, I just... I... Your hand. It's kinda... High, don't you think?" Alec didn't think he could be any more awkward, but he was pretty uncomfortable.  
     She didn't glance down, which made him even more uncomfortable. Something was up. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" Alec nodded, relieved he didn't have to directly tell her she was making him feel uncomfortable. Her hand jumped higher, up to the crotch of his jeans.  
     Alec jumped back in the desk, trying to move away. "Miss Belcourt-"  
     She didn't listen and pressed down. She blocked the open side of the desk. Alec felt a little stir down below, and he hated himself for it. He wasn't enjoying this! He needed to get out of there. "Miss Belcourt, get off of me-"  
     "Come on, Alexander. I thought you were smarter than that." She continued to move her hand, and Alec felt himself get a little more excited down south, despite the panic he was feeling everywhere else.  
     He had started breathing harder, nervous as can be. It's not like he'd never done any of this before, but she's his teacher and a woman and this was illegal and he didn't want this. He tried to escape. "When someone finds out-"  
     "No one will find out," she told him. She didn't look so pretty anymore. "Figure it out, Alec. If you tell someone, do you really think you'll pass this class? Do you think they'll believe you? I'm friends with all the staff here, and any student you tell will just think you're lying to look better. That you're lying so everyone will think that you slept with the hot teacher. No one will believe that. I'll deny anything. It'll only make you look bad. You wouldn't tell anyone, Alec. You're too smart for that. I'll help you pass this class, if you help me."  
     This couldn't be happening. Alec had heard her and the staff talking, so they must be friends like she said. They wouldn't believe him. Jace would believe him, right? Or maybe he'd think he was lying, just like she said. After all, he knows Alec is gay. He'd never sleep with a woman, so Jace would probably think it was a joke. Maybe he'd stop talking to Alec because he thinks he's a liar.  
     Alec's pants were unbuttoned and swiftly unzipped. He tried once more to move away, but she had him trapped against a wall in a desk, completely at her mercy. And he tried so hard not to cry, not to notice what was happening, not to notice how not-bad it felt. Physically he was enjoying this and he willed his body to stop, but it wouldn't cooperate with him. When it was finally over Miss Belcourt said something to him, but he couldn't hear it over the ringing in his ears. He pulled his clothes back on and she did too and she put her hand on his shoulder and smiled and told him it'd be okay and he shouldn't have believed her but what else did he have to hold on to? He grabbed his bag and walked straight to the boy's restroom. Alec locked the stall and hunched over the toilet, willing himself to throw up, to empty everything that just happened and everything he's feeling right now. He wants to puke so bad and he tries to think of disgusting things, but what just happened is the only thing on his mind. He's not even sure he knows what happened, but it's branded on the insides of his eyelids and swirling around in his churning stomach. He hates Miss Belcourt. He hates her.  
     When the bell rings and he still hasn't thrown up, he feels worse. He didn't want to skip class, but he didn't think he could talk to anyone. Then again, Clary is in his next class and he doesn't want to have to explain why he wasn't there. Alec wasn't a good liar. Against his better judgement, he went to class. Life was most definitely not normal.

     Alec is a terrible liar, but a good enough actor. Going to class was probably the worst decision of his life. He couldn't concentrate, and he felt sick and dirty the whole time. He felt like what he'd just done was written all over his face, and he felt like everyone knew and was judging him. What happened to him didn't happen to guys. Guys weren't forced into that kind of thing. Clary did shoot him a concerned glance and ask what was wrong, but Alec managed to tell her he was just tired and stressed about calc. He felt terrible and wished the day would end already, but he still had two periods to go.  
It seemed like years later when the day was finally over. By the time Alec made it to his locker, he felt sick to his stomach. He leaned his head against the cool metal, but it didn't help much. He hated this. "Hey man, what's the matter?" Jace sounded concerned.  
     Alec groaned. "I feel terrible. Can you tell coach I'll miss practice?"  
     He could picture Jace furrowing his brow. "Yeah, sure. You think you can drive, or do you need a ride?"  
     Alec tried to imagine driving like this. It was only about three minutes to his house from school. He could do that, right? "I think I'll be okay," he says, and regrets the words as soon as he says them. Alec knew he wouldn't be okay. He didn't want Jace to miss practice though. He was captain, his team needed him. Alec shouldn't be so selfish.  
     "If you're sure..." Jace sounded really uncertain. "Text me when you get there, okay?"  
     Alec wanted to tease him for sounding like his mother, but he wasn't in the mood. "Yeah," was all he got out before walking away. Alec shouldn't have left him so worried, but he'd get over it.

     The drive home went a lot better than Alec thought it would go. He got home, texted Jace, then went immediately into his room. He wanted to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened that day. He didn't even know what to call what happened. He hated Miss Belcourt. He hated what she'd done to him, and he hated himself for not stopping her. He wishes he could have gotten out of it, but he couldn't risk losing his good grade or his friends. Alec ended up taking a sleeping pill and falling into oblivion.

     The next day Alec went to calc shaking. He almost skipped it, but decided not to. He didn't want to give Miss Belcourt the satisfaction of him avoiding her. His jaw was clenched and Alec found it impossible to look at Miss Belcourt. He felt vulnerable, and embarrassed. He couldn't concentrate on the lesson and couldn't even look at the far side of the room. That's where it happened. He thinks the desk he was sitting in yesterday is empty this period, and he hoped that no one had to sit in it today. He hoped someone would burn it.  
     At one point, Miss Belcourt came close to him and brushed his shoulder. Alec's entire body tensed up and his stomach clenched until she was gone. He hated that he was so scared of her. He hated that she made him feel so weak. That was how calc was for the day after that one, too. Except at the end of the day after, Miss Belcourt told him to stay after. Alec's stomach flipped and his entire body was tense. He felt sick and humiliated. After everyone was gone, the door was locked. She brushed her hand along the inside of his thigh, and his stomach heaved. "Don't touch me," Alec attempted through gritted teeth.  
     She smiled a little. "Oh, Alec. We both know that's not how this works."

     That day, Alec stayed for baseball. His attention span was pretty short, but it made him feel better. A little more like himself. It felt kind of like an outlet, a way to not think about anything bad that wasn't passing out. Being with Jace and the team cheered him up a little, but he felt so different from everyone that he didn't participate in much conversation.  
     The next day they had another calculus test, which Alec got a B on. Thanks to the tutoring, he was doing better. He hated to admit it, but he needed Miss Belcourt to help him pass this class. That day she kept him after again.  
     "As we both know, the end of this quarter is next week," she started, walking around to sit on his desk. "I know you have a high C in here, but you're probably not happy with that."  
     "It's fine," Alec mumbled. It really wasn't. His parents would be horrified if he got a C in anything. His grades and chores seemed to be the only thing they really noticed.  
     "Oh, we both also know that Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood will not be happy if their son gets a C." She tapped her chin. "Now, I could let you suffer their wrath and lose your car, phone, freedom, and anything else they may decide to take away." She leaned in. "Or, depending on what you're willing to do..." Alec felt himself shaking as his jeans were undone. "I could give you extra credit."  
     "N-no," He stuttered.  
     "Or you could get in trouble, lose my help for the rest of the year, fail, and then be thrown off of the baseball team," she suggested. "You need to pass at least five classes to play a sport. Since you have two study halls and lunch, that means you'd have to pass all of your other classes. Including this one, which by the way, you need me to do."  
     Alec couldn't lose baseball. It was his freedom, his outlet. He had to do it. "W-what do I have to do?" She didn't let him wonder for long.

     After school, Alec shuffled to practice. He did pretty good, considering how he'd been feeling recently. The things he'd been doing at lunch recently. After practice, Alec walked in Jace's direction. He needed a distraction, and Jace was perfect.  
     "Hey, man. Do you mind if I come over today?" He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice.  
     "Sure. I don't have plans." Jace grinned as they walked to the parking lot. "Video games and pizza?"  
     Alec stared at him and realized that this was probably the most gratitude he'd ever felt towards a human being. "Have I ever told you how good you are to me?" He joked.  
     Jace grinned. "Not nearly enough. Go home and shower, then come on over."  
     Alec grinned, happy for the distraction. "I'll order the pizza."

     He was thoroughly disgusted with himself. Alec hated Miss Belcourt so much. The words "I hate her" were practically running through his mind on a loop. He had to stay for lunch every day until the end of the quarter. Miss Belcourt would keep him after class for lunch, then make him do whatever the hell she wanted, then remind him of everything he could lose if he told. Alec began to think of telling as something impossible, something that couldn't be done. Who'd believe him, anyways?  
     It got worse once second quarter started. She'd start to moan his name and make him moan hers. He had to run his hands through her hair, which made the urge to rip it out almost unbearable. He also had to kiss her a lot, more intense than he'd ever kissed Magnus or anyone else. Basically Alec had to pretend he liked it, or else she'd get mad and threaten to take points away. With all this extra credit, his grade was back to an A. He wasn't happy at all.  
     The leaves began to change colors outside, and then they all fell off. Alec felt about as alive as the bare trees. Second quarter trudged on painfully slowly, and some of his other grades started to slip. His thoughts were consumed by Miss Belcourt almost every second, and he found himself taking more and more pills to fall asleep every night.

     "Alec," Miss Belcourt moaned. "Say my name."  
     He didn't want to, but she shifted a little and increased the sensation Alec wished he wasn't feeling. "Camille," he choked out, trying to say it how she liked it so they could get this over with quicker.  
     He tried to zone out. He thought about the last date Magnus and he had been on and how last time he hung out with Jace, Mrs. Wayland made them her special pot roast. Normally Alec was not a fan, but it had been incredible. He tried to remember how many servings he had eaten. Four? He couldn't remember.  
     Miss Belcourt started getting louder, making it harder to ignore her. At least they were almost done. Alec felt his body tense up, and he hated what he was about to do. He wished he could say it doesn't happen, but it does, and part of him enjoys it a lot.  
     Once it was over, she smirked at him. "Sounds like you were enjoying yourself." Alec didn't say anything. "The way you moaned at the end... I know it was real, Alec. I want you to do it next time too."  
     He wanted to deny the fact that they were real, but he'd be lying. He hated how she made his own body betray him. He knew he didn't enjoy it. Right?  
     Alec doesn't think he did, but he's starting to doubt it more and more each time.

     Tonight he had a date with Magnus, because it was their one year anniversary. He wanted to come over after school and hang out, which Alec wasn't really looking forward to. He still loved Magnus the same, but these days Alec's idea of fun was passing out as soon as he got home.  
     Anyways, Magnus came over around five and they ate dinner. Alec's parents were still at work and would be for another two hours. The two boys were up in Alec's room watching a romantic movie when Alec decided he should do something. He had been kind of distant towards Magnus lately, and he didn't deserve that. Alec leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "I love you so much."  
     Magnus smiled up at him. "I love you too." He kissed Alec on the lips, and it was a nice distraction from the terrible movie and his terrible life. He turned to face Alec and deepened the kiss, and Alec reached up to tug on Magnus's hair when he mumbled Alec's name.  
     Alec pulled back. He didn't know what it was. His hands in Magnus's hair, the sound of his name being said in such a way, the way they were kissing. Suddenly all he could see was Miss Belcourt and all he could think was "Not again, not here, not now." Alec felt panicky and ran his hand through his hair to calm himself down. It's okay. He was at home. Miss Belcourt was not around. Alec was fine.  
      He glanced back to find a hurt, confused Magnus. "Alexander, what's wrong?" He asked. He touched Alec's hand lightly and Alec started shaking, because this was all so familiar. "Did I do something wrong? Are you okay?" And suddenly Alec needed to get out, out, out, and he shook his head. He had to lie.  
     "No, no, you're fine. I'm sorry. I just didn't feel well suddenly and I don't want to get you sick." Alec was such a bad liar it hurt.  
     "Is there something else?" He asked him, and Alec loved him so much but he couldn't handle this anymore. His head was spinning and he felt vulnerable again, and he hated it. Alec shook his head. "Okay... Well, do you need anything or should I go?"  
     Alec tried to put it delicately, because the last thing he wanted was for Magnus to be upset with him. "I'm sorry. Just go."  
     Magnus got up and smoothed his shirt. The motion reminded him of Miss Belcourt. Magnus looked offended. "Yeah. Fine. I'll leave you be. Have a fun time alone." He left, but not quick enough.  
     Alec rushed to the bathroom and splashed water on his face. When that didn't work, he jumped in the shower. He tried so hard to stop thinking, to stop remembering what Miss Belcourt's hands felt like on his stomach and what her lips felt like on his neck, but it was no use. He jumped out of the shower and quickly threw clothes on, desperate for the sense of security that being covered up could give him. Then he took four sleeping pills, which was twice more than the maximum recommended. It still took too long to sleep. No matter what Alec did, she was still in his head. He had a feeling she always would be.

     "So," Miss Belcourt sang as she threw down the chalk and walked towards Alec. "What's in store for us today?"

     It was finally Alec's turn to bat. The team had split up to scrimmage, and now that it was his turn to bat he was kind of excited. Maybe it was the adrenaline. The boys in the dugout were cheering and chanting his name, trying to distract the pitcher. Alec grinned as he took his stance and held the bat up, ready to go.  
     He didn't swing at the first pitch, it was way too low. The second pitch he swung at but missed. Some boys in the field started teasing him, but they knew Alec was one of the best hitters on the team. They immediately shut up when he hit a double.  
     The boys in the dugout cheered his name louder, but one voice stood out in particular. "Alec!" Everyone's attention was directed towards the female who had called out his name. Miss Belcourt was crossing to their coach. Alec's stomach twisted in a knot.  
     "Camille, anything I can do for you?" Coach Herondale asked.  
     She searched the faces in the field until she found Alec's. "I need to borrow Mr. Lightwood for a moment. It's about one of his papers."  
     "Can't it wait until after practice?" Coach asked.  
     Miss Belcourt shook her head. "I'm afraid it's urgent. I'll send him out after I'm done, I promise."  
     She smiled at Coach, and he caved. Alec guessed she was even friends with the coaches. "Fine," he consented. "Don't take too long."  
     She smiled. "I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Alec?"  
     Alec tossed his helmet into the dugout before following her inside. He knew the team would be cracking jokes as soon as they were out of earshot, but they had no idea that what they would joke about was true.  
     As soon as they were in her room, she spun to face Alec and started removing her blouse and skirt and his uniform. "Sorry, Alec. I just couldn't wait."  
     It felt like years later when she finally was finished with him and told him he could get dressed. Alec felt filthy. "Thank you. You know, you are getting really good at this. Makes me wonder if you really are gay," she smiled. Alec said nothing as he put his shirt back on. "Also, if you don't mind me asking, are you wearing cologne?" Silently, Alec nodded, not looking her in the eye. "Please wear the same one tomorrow. It makes you so much... I really like it on you." He hated how she was controlling him, but he just nodded. Alec brushed off his clothes and as he went to leave, she laid a hand on his shoulder. He flinched lightly and immediately hated himself for it. "Alec. I really do care about you. A lot." Yeah, right.  
     Alec headed back to practice, but everyone was already gone. He grabbed his things and left.

     God, Alec missed Magnus. They still talked, but he was extremely distant and answered questions with short answers. What Miss Belcourt had said about him "really being gay" had been getting to him. Of course he was gay. Right? Magnus wasn't a phase, no matter how terrible Alec seemed to be at keeping him happy. Alec wanted to ask Jace what to do, because things were going great with him and Clary, but he'd need to know why Alec needed the advice and why he flipped when he kissed him and that'd be giving away too much information.  
     Alec texted Magnus. He needed to tell him something, anything. He sent, "hey, can we talk?"  
     His reply: "no." So Alec slept.

     At practice, Alec was going through the motions. His life had become a blur of Miss Belcourt and nightmares about Miss Belcourt. He was living almost every guy's dream: sex with a beautiful woman almost every day. For him though, it was a nightmare. At least he could focus on baseball now. The boys of the team were all spread around the field. The pitcher was practicing and the rest of the guys were just talking and throwing around some balls.  
     A boy, Sebastian, started talking about the calc test they had just had. Alec didn't do too badly, but he had a feeling he'd be getting "extra credit" anyways. "Man, I failed that test miserably," he groaned.  
     "Ha!" A senior, Raj, laughed. "I got an A-!"  
     "Shut up," Sebastian groaned. "I only failed cause of Miss Belcourt."  
     Alec's body tensed.  
     "I mean, have you seen that ass?" Sebastian went on. Alec clenched his jaw. "And those hands." His stomach tied itself in a painful knot. Sebastian gave a low whistle. "Imagine what they can do." Alec knew what they could do personally, and it was terrible.  
     "Don't forget that mouth!" Another boy yelled. Alec's hands became fists. He also knew what she was capable of doing with that, and it haunted him nearly every night.  
     They aren't allowed to talk like this on school grounds. Where was Coach Herondale?  
     "What about the-"  
     And Alec was gone. He turned around and went back to the dugout, grabbing his bag and leaving. He could hear confused calls and his teammates trying to figure out what had happened. He marched straight to his truck and once inside, Alec broke. Tears streamed down his face and he screamed at the top of his lungs. He slammed his hands against the steering wheel. "Why?" Alec screamed. "What the hell did I do to deserve this?"  
     He didn't get an answer. He did, however, get a glance of Jace looking horrified. He had seen Alec's entire breakdown, and he was bound to have questions. He couldn't know the answers. No one could.  
     Alec slammed the truck into gear and sped home. This needed to stop. He couldn't tell anyone from school. He couldn't tell his parents. They were always fighting, anyways, and he couldn't add to that. He couldn't tell his sister, who was busy with school and across the country. He had no one else. Alec was completely alone.  
     Once home, he went straight to the bathroom and locked the door. Miss Belcourt locked the door every time he stayed after. Alec looked at himself in the mirror, and he looked awful. He used to be so good looking, dating the best guy in school, getting great grades and playing baseball well. He had it all.  
     Miss Belcourt ruined everything. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" Alec yelled, but then he realized it wasn't her fault. It was his. "It was you," Alec told his reflection. "It was all you. You could have stopped her. You're strong enough! Why didn't you push her away? You could have just told someone! You could have done something!" He was getting angrier and desperate and he needed help now. Special help.  
     Alec pulled the sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. There were eighteen left. He just hoped it would be enough. "I'm sorry Magnus. I'm sorry Clary," Alec whispered. "I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I'm sorry Izzy. I'm sorry Jace."  
     Alec swallowed the pills, finally at peace.

     White light blinded him as he opened his eyes. Alec's stomach felt awful, and he thought he needed to throw up. Looking around, he saw he was in a hospital room. His parents were looking down at him. "Alec!" Maryse screeched. "You're awake! Oh god, what the hell did you do!"  
     "We were so worried!" Robert exclaimed. "Why on Earth would you do this?"  
     Alec couldn't remember anything at first, before he finally remembered the pills. They didn't work. Why not?  
     "I-I'm sorry," he croaked, and he really was. He felt bad about scaring them.  
     "We'd better go get the doctor!" Maryse said, then ran into the hall.  
     'No Mom, I'm okay. Thanks for asking,' Alec thought bitterly. His mother followed the doctor in, then put on her coat. "I hope you don't mind, but I missed work yesterday and I can't afford to miss it again. I'm so sorry, honey. See you later."  
     "We're very disappointed that you would do something like this," his father said, looking very condescending. Maryse ruffled his hair, like Miss Belcourt. Alec felt hollow as she and his dad left.  
     The doctor got right to work. She was a beautiful but intimidating woman, with dark skin that contrasted her white-blond hair. She wore light blue scrubs and a nametag that read "Doctor Catarina Loss." She moved around the room, checking monitors and scribbling onto a clipboard. She didn't say much, but Alec couldn't help but wonder, "I can have visitors, right?"  
     She glanced up. "Yes. There are some young people in the waiting room for you. Would you like me to send them in?" Alec nodded vigorously. He couldn't wait to see his friends. The woman, Catarina, sighed. "All right. One minute."  
     She left, and he couldn't help but get a little excited. Alec needed answers, and he knew his friends would tell him everything they knew.  
     His face split into a smile as Magnus, Jace, and Clary walked in. "Hey," Jace greeted. He looked strained. "How ya holding up?"  
     Alec shrugged. "I don't know what happened. Can you fill me in?"  
     Jace took a deep breath. "Well, after you left practice, I saw you in your truck..." He trailed off. Alec could see him hesitating to say he saw him sobbing and hitting his steering wheel. That isn't exactly masculine. But then again, what Miss Belcourt had been doing to him hadn't done wonders for his ego, either. Jace continued, mercifully leaving out Alec's breakdown. "You looked upset. You sped off, and I followed you, because I was worried about you. When I got to your house you wouldn't open the door, so I used the spare key. I found you in the bathroom. You were unconscious, and there was an empty pill bottle... Man, I was so scared. I called 911 and they brought you here. Your stomach was pumped and, well, you woke up today."  
     Today? "When did all of this happen?" Alec asked.  
     "It happened yesterday." Clary was the one who'd spoken up.  
     Alec took all of this in. He was kind of embarrassed that Jace had found him like that, unconscious after watching him flip out. "Look, I'm sorry this happened-"  
     Jace cut him off. "Why'd you do it?" He sounded a little choked, and his eyes were shining with tears Alec knew he wouldn't let fall. "What happened, Alec?"  
     Alec scrambled for an excuse. "I... I don't know, everything was so complicated, and it happened on accident..."  
     "Killing yourself is not an accident," Magnus said quietly. Those were the first words he'd spoken to Alec in what seemed like years.  
     "I...I know," Alec stuttered out, his mind fumbling for an excuse. He wanted to tell them so bad, but he couldn't. He'd never be able to look anyone in the eyes again. "I just... It just happened... I-"  
     "Look Alec," Clary started, "we're trying to help you. Whatever caused this, I'm sure we can fix-"  
     "You can't fix this," Alec said quietly, then could have kicked himself. Now they knew something had happened.  
     The three of them sat up a little more. "What do you mean?" Jace asked. Alec couldn't say anything. He would fail calc and they wouldn't believe him and he hated himself for slipping up and he hated himself for not stopping her. Alec hated her. He hated himself. This doesn't happen to boys. Girls don't do this kind of thing, this was all backwards. Alec was strong enough, he could have pushed her away. This was his fault and he hated everything that had happened and what the hell was wrong with him? "Whoa, man, you okay? What happened?" Jace looked alarmed, and Alec realized in horror tears were sliding down his cheeks. He tried to wipe them away, but they kept coming. "Tell us. Please." Jace's voice was softer now, pleading.  
     "You wouldn't believe me," Alec whispered.  
     "Try us," Jace insisted gently.  
     Alec looked at them. Clary and Magnus looked shocked and a little scared. Neither of them had ever seen him cry before. Jace looked shocked and scared too, and they all looked confused.  
     And before Alec could stop himself, he told them everything.  
     He didn't look at their faces the entire time. He stared at his hands and memorized the pattern on his hospital gown and pulled at his paper hospital bracelet until it tore a little. Alec told them everything, from the first time to his meltdown to taking the pills. After he was done, he leaned back onto his pillow, exhausted physically and emotionally.  
     It was silent, and it was making Alec uncomfortable. He felt vulnerable, and he hated it because it was how she made him feel. Finally, Jace broke the silence. "Alec, why... why didn't you tell us?" He sounded a little strained, like he had when he first entered the room.  
     "It was my fault," Alec whispered. "I should have stopped her. I'm strong enough, I could have done it. Why didn't I?"  
     "You said she threatened you," Magnus said quietly. "What exactly did she say she'd do?"  
     Alec shifted a little, repeating the same excuses he'd told himself every day. "She'd stop helping me and I'd fail calc. If I failed calc, I wouldn't have been able to play baseball. No one would believe me. The staff were her friends, and any student I told would think I was lying to look better. Lying so everyone would think I'd slept with the hot teacher. My parents had enough problems, and Izzy is too busy with college."  
     "We would have believed you," Jace said. "She told you we wouldn't just to get in your head. She wanted to control you, Alec, and she lied to you so she could." He reached to put his hand on his arm, but Alec flinched a little.  
     "Sorry," Alec muttered. "You can... It's okay. Sorry." He was thoroughly humiliated at this point.  
     Jace hesitantly touched his arm, and he didn't jump this time, thankfully. "We believe you, man. It's not your fault." His voice began to sound regretful. "We have to tell someone, though. Call the police and tell them." Alec felt hollow, but nodded. It had to be done.  
     "I'll go get a nurse to call them," Clary said, standing up. She brushed her hand against Jace's shoulder and smiled weakly at them before leaving.  
     And they waited.

     Izzy arrived later that day, rushing in and giving Alec a bone-crushing hug without warning. "You idiot!" She yelled into his shoulder, her voice muffled by his shirt and her own tears showing in her voice. "I'm so glad you're okay, but what the hell, Alec?"  
Izzy pulled back to search his face, but Alec was too stunned to say anything at first. Her normally impeccable hair and makeup were both mussed, probably from flying cross country all night and crying over her baby brother. When he finally managed to find his voice, he asked, "You flew in all the way from Colorado?"  
Izzy's face softened as she brushed her thumb across his cheek. "Of course I did, Alec," she said. "I'll always be here for you."  
Shortly after Izzy arrived and was caught up on the situation, she, Jace, Magnus, and Clary were kicked out once the cops came. Two officers, a man and a woman, made Alec tell them everything and asked him questions. They took notes and nodded and didn't interrupt too much, but it was probably the longest half hour of his life.  
     After they were done, they thanked him and gave him a card with a number to call if he remembered anything else. They left, but not before promising to keep him updated.  
     Over the next few hours, they received news that Miss Belcourt was arrested. She fought the whole time. A background check revealed that she wasn't even a calculus teacher; she had faked all of her certification. That explains how she was a teacher at so young. She demanded a trial, which Alec would have to speak at.  
      His parents were informed, and they both rushed back to the hospital from work to ask him questions and yell at him for not telling them sooner. "A trial? Where are we going to get money for a lawyer? And what about the bad publicity?" Alec's friends and Izzy stood awkwardly by the door, watching his parents turn on each other.  
     "It's not his fault!" Maryse screamed.  
     "Really?" Robert yelled back. "It's not like she was stronger than him! He let her do it, he brought this upon himself!"  
     "You're such a dick!"  
     "And you're a whore! Because this, this kid right here-" he pointed angrily at Alec, "-isn't mine. If he were my son, he would be a man! Men don't get raped, especially not by women that they're capable of stopping." Alec felt empty and he wanted to cry, but he couldn't. That would only prove his father's point.  
     A nurse came rushing in. "Sir, Ma'am? I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're disturbing other patients. Please exit the hospital, you can see your son later."  
    Robert glared at Alec. "That's not my son." He pushed past Alec's friends standing in the doorway and left without saying anything to his daughter.  
     "Wait!" Maryse ran after him, also ignoring Isabelle. "Don't think you can just-"  
     Alec stared at the door, where Jace, Magnus, Izzy, and Clary were just beginning to come further into the room. Alec avoided looking them in the eyes, not wanting to see any pity. "Well, that was fun." No one laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood. He scrambled for another topic, praying no one would bring up what just happened. "Did you bring me something from the vending machine?"  
     Jace tossed me a bag of Doritos. They were Alec's favorite. "Thanks." Silence. "So, did you find out when I can get out of here?"  
     Magnus cleared his throat. "Yeah. They're keeping you overnight, but you can leave tomorrow. Your doctor is sending you to a therapist, though. And you'll need a parent to sign you out."  
     "Don't worry, they'll come back," Alec said with false confidence. He added, "At least my mom will."  
     Magnus nodded a little, then asked, "Could I have a minute with Alec alone?" Izzy, Jace, and Clary nodded and left. Magnus took a deep breath. "Look, Alec... I'm sorry. That night, I had no idea... It makes sense now. I know I probably freaked you out, being so... You know."  
     "It's my fault," Alec said. "I should have told you. You couldn't have known. It's just... When we were kissing, you said my name, and I just panicked. She used to say my name like that, and make me run my fingers through her hair like I was doing. It just reminded me of it. I'm sorry."  
     Magnus's eyes teared up a little. "It's okay. I just- I hate what she's done to you. If it's okay with you, could we get back together? I'm not saying we have to do anything, we can take it slow. I understand now, and I want to help you through this."  
     For what felt like the first time in forever, Alec felt happiness bubble up inside him. He grinned. "I'd love that." Magnus kissed him, and it took Alec a second to kiss back, but he did. He was determined to not let Miss Belcourt ruin his life anymore.

     Alec stared up at the courthouse. It was big and intimidating, and the Waylands, Izzy, and him were headed in. There were a few news reporters and cameras there, more than what Alec had seen in the past few days combined. Ever since the story got out, the local newspapers had been following it. Everyone at school found out, and Alec's first day back was pretty chaotic. Some people were disgusted with him and whispered to each other whenever he passed in the halls. Most people were supportive. In calculus they had a substitute for the rest of the year, a forty something year old man named Mr. Starkweather. Everyone was talking about Miss Belcourt and him, and Alec was pretty uncomfortable. He had never really liked attention, but this was so much worse than usual.  
     Anyways, a reporter from a local newspaper, the Idris Inquisitor, came up and started asking Alec questions. He dutifully ignored them, just like his lawyer, Lydia Branwell, had told him to. At least they weren't followed inside. Once they had found the courtroom, Alec sat by Lydia while Izzy and the Waylands sat down where they were supposed to. Lydia told him this would be an easy case and it would all be over soon. Alec's parents walked in and Maryse waved, but Robert didn't even look at him. Magnus and Clary walked in with Clary's parents and Magnus's father. The rest was a blur. Alec stood when the judge walked in. He listened to what he said, but he doesn't remember any of it now. When Miss Belcourt walked in, Alec didn't look. When he was called up, he answered the questions honestly. He remembers Lydia asking him to give a final statement, and he recited the one she had helped him come up with. Alec looked directly at Miss Belcourt as he came down from the stand. For once, she wasn't smiling.  
     Lydia had gone through Idris High School's security system. While there was no real video, there was sound. She played a clip for the judge. There was rustling and Miss Belcourt saying, "Moan my name." You could hear Alec say it. "Alec... Kiss me." Alec wanted to sink into the floor. There was a lot more of her talking, saying things that he doesn't want to remember. Even without the visual evidence, it was obvious what they were doing. The clip ended, and Lydia played one more. This one was after he and Miss Belcourt had done it. "I'm proud of you, Alec," he could hear her say. "That was good."  
     "Can I go to lunch now?" Alec's voice was quiet, and he could hear the shame and anger in it.  
     "Yes, you may go. Don't act like that, Alexander. Try to smile. Someone might guess something's up, and we both know why that can't happen. You'll fail my class, you'll get kicked off the team, and lose everyone."  
     "My friends will believe me," Alec had said, and he realized he remembered this. She was sitting on top of him when they were talking, and he was trying to convince himself that he could tell someone.  
     "Oh, really, Alec? I don't think so. Now, kiss me."  
     "Miss Belcourt, please let me go-"  
     "You're not leaving. If you try to leave, I'll fail you. Wanna bring home that report card?" Silence. "That's what I thought. You need extra credit and you need it now, so I thought we could try something new-"  
     The tape was shut off. "You see, your honor, here is audio evidence that the victim's claims are in fact true, and the defendant is guilty." Lydia said to the judge.  
     There really was no case. There was evidence that they had done what Alec said they had, and Miss Belcourt even pleaded guilty. She was sentenced to ten years in prison for having repeated and nonconsensual sexual relations with a minor.  
     As Miss Camille Belcourt was led out of the courtroom, she turned to talk to Alec. "Just so you know, Alec, I'm not sorry. You deserved everything you got." The guards started to pull her, but she fought. She started to scream. "You made it so easy! It was too easy to take advantage of you! You didn't even fight back!" Alec felt his stomach knot. The security guards slammed the door after she exited, and it was quiet in the courtroom.  
     Alec never saw her again.

     Well, not in real life. He still has nightmares about her sometimes. The therapist didn't help, and neither did any of the support groups she recommended. He was the only boy at most of them. He always left before anyone knew he was there.  
     Robert was still ashamed of him, and he ended up moving in with a young girl who he'd been seeing for a few years. He and Maryse divorced, and Alec hasn't seen him since.  
As much as she wanted to stay, Izzy went back to Colorado to finish school. She had missed quite a few classes as it was, and Alec refused to let her lose any more schooling on his account. She left him at the airport with another huge, teary hug, and a promise that she would get in touch with him more often.  
     Mr. Starkweather, the new calculus teacher, has been tutoring Alec to help keep his grade up. He's really nice, and Alec's been doing as well as he had been when Miss Belcourt was tutoring him, no extra credit needed.  
     Alec had also been hanging out with Jace a lot. He spends most nights at his house, because Maryse is always either working or drinking nowadays. She said she doesn't want him there because he reminds her of Robert, and he cheats, and she cries. So Alec stays at Jace's.  
     Things have also gotten better with Magnus. Alec has finally stopped tensing up and getting nervous whenever things start to get heated. He also told Magnus about how Miss Belcourt tried to use their "activities" to make him question his sexuality, and how sometimes it almost worked. Magnus had talked him through his feelings on the subject and reminded him how manipulative Miss Belcourt was. Magnus told him he had a right to be confused, and let Alec know that he would never judge him for anything Miss Belcourt had made him say or do. He loved Alec for who he was, and promised him he would be there whenever he needed someone.  
     Alec's been doing better in baseball, and he's started to smile a little more. He no longer uses sleeping pills anymore, either. He still has days where he has trouble getting out of bed. Sometimes when he walks down the math hallway at school or someone touches him suddenly, his throat will close up in momentary panic. There are still days where Alec feels like a zombie because he can't sleep, too busy replaying nightmares over and over in his mind. Alec still thinks about Miss Belcourt a lot, and probably will forever, but he's trying to stop letting it get to him. He's not going to let her keep the hold she had on him.  
     Anyways, Alec has finally found a psychologist who doesn't judge him or make him feel invalid. Ragnor isn't the most warm and fuzzy guy out there, but he actually helps Alec, even if it requires Alec to keep a stupid journal. His life isn't good, but it's better than it was before. He has friends to make the good days good and the bad days better.  
     Although he probably won't admit it, Alec decided to use the journal Ragnor gave him. Turns out, writing everything down helped him more than other therapy ever did. He might show Ragnor one day, or he might keep it to himself. He'll figure it out when he gets there. After all, Alec's not in any rush. He's had a lot taken from him, but he's working on getting some of it back. This time, Alec isn't going to give up on himself.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a rough one to write, but I hope you guys liked it. Come talk to me on Tumblr at ace-alec-89, I love talking to people! Every author loves feedback, so please leave kudos/comments! Thanks for reading!


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